Rosśa Crean

I. When Will This Fucking End? - 0:00
II. The Weight of a Life Not Lived - 3:27
III. To Turn the Heavens Upside Down - 5:30
IV. Just Allow...Just Allow... - 8:15
V. It's Not For You. It's For Me. - 11:15
VI. I Am Different Now - 13:33
VII. Your Death Does Not Define You - 14:50
VIII. There's Still More Love to Give - 16:50

2022 was the year I decided to make some big changes in my life. I had been working on my own trauma concerning grief and decided that I needed to take more intensive steps to understand my own responses to its presence within me. I came to accept the reality that I needed to face my discomfort straight on so that I could allow myself to see the roots of my issues with a stronger sense of clarity. I did my research, advocated for what I needed, and found an ideal therapist who continues to help me delve into the truths of these matters with a much more curious mind.

As an artist, I decided to create an installation called “Moon Pendulum,” where a large iron pendulum hangs over a floor map depicting the now currently-established eight stages of grief, paralleled by the lunar cycle stages. The eight stages do not proceed in an order like we were taught back in the day with the original five stages, but swing back and forth between each other, never really following a predictable order. Sometimes grief is fully observable and vivd like the full moon Other times can be hidden like the new moon, not obvious, but present nonetheless.

When Nick May asked me to be a part of his I Exist Project for queer composers, I knew I could not say no; Nick is a talent, and his collaborative mind is wild and open. We both have an interest in tarot, and during one of my own readings, I asked the cards what I should approach for this piece, and The Moon card came up. To me, The Moon card represents loss and resulting mistrust, but also encourages us to step out and forward into the unknown, aware that it is at once fear- inducing and exciting. I decided that I would use the tarot as a tool for what emotional directions I wanted to approach in the music. Coincidentally (maybe not?), the cards that came out paralleled my journey into processing and healing from my trauma and grief:

I. When Will This Fucking End? - Address & Acknowledge - Full Moon - Temperance
II. The Weight of a Life Not Lived - How Heavy Does It Feel? - Waning Gibbous Moon - Death
III. To Turn the Heavens Upside Down - Process & Organize - Last Quarter Moon - The Tower
IV. Just Allow...Just Allow... - Letting Go - Waning Crescent Moon - The Empress
V. It's Not For You. It's For Me. - Consider Forgiveness - New Moon - Judgment
VI. I Am Different Now - You Are Different Now - Waxing Crescent Moon - The Hermit
VII. Your Death Does Not Define You - Focus on the Gifts - First Quarter Moon - The High Priestess
VIII. There's Still More Love to Give - You Were Loved - Waxing Gibbous Moon - The Fool

I hope that those who hear this piece will allow themselves to feel into what is being conveyed through the cacophony of sounds I have arranged here. Thank you to Nick May, for inspiring me and advocating for my work. I am ever grateful to you and your unconditional nature.

Rosśa Crean, January 2023